2019-05-02 - 3:49 a.m.

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So many things. Too many. I feel stretched.

So much of it would be easier to handle if work didn't suck so much.

Didn't know I was going to write that.

The good - really good - news: last night we had a real rehearsal. Worked scenes in a way that felt helpful and productive and, I don't know, exploratory. Was given constructive feedback, which was the real pleasant surprise. E.g., after working the final Katherine/Cal scene Joe asked me to do the one big mono with an opposite emotional arc to what I'd just done: I'd started quiet, tried to "build" (as we say). Could I start by exploding with things I'd bottled up for years, then descend? This was helpful in several ways: made the beginning a response - to Will going off to hold Bud. Made Will's "gorgon" speech specific and helpful: I have done this speech 100 times, but always to Will. And it gave me a sense of arrival at "I'm glad I don't want anything from you." I played it as if I'd just gotten the punchline to a cosmic joke: laughter, relief, and (most important) discovery.

I want to take the poster down at the end, but I think it could be (1) too heavy-handed and (2) distracting from Bud and Katherine. Mimed it last night (no poster on the mantel) and Derek seemed to appreciate it.

Joe spent a lot of time on JR. Who is starting to have just a few too many "ideas".

The end of rehearsal almost brought it all crashing down: Joe talked for at least 10 or more likely 15 minutes, mostly with Diana, about How We Are. A rather testy back-and-forth about when and where she's "vulnerable."

Wait, I should back up: as soon as we'd finished the last run at it, Joe asked us both something about why we continue to stand there; why do I LISTEN to ALL of this. I liked this a lot, because I'm working hard TO listen, but I'm also going into my head often to think "if she pauses like this again and again and again I'd SAY something, damn it!" I did, for once, imagine myself as director, examining rhythms: awkward silences/pauses at the TOP of the play, an unbroken rush at the end. (Awesome text from Barb, on which more in a minute.) To her credit Joe asked her to take her time, and I'm all for that. But then you gotta squeeze the air out. A lot of air.

But he never let me answer the question. Said nada to me in 15 minutes. Diana was defensive, he tried to be clearer, but I was starting to get vexed. Eventually he's gonna get to me, I kept thinking, and I'm going to say as kindly as I can "it would help me if we talked about what we do instead of only about how we are." So after 5 or 10 very unproductive minutes with Diana, he spent several unproductive minutes with Derek. All of it about the Trastevere speech. The pronunciation of which, first of all, Caroline found online, and it's very different from what I'd thought. Derek to his credit had done some good research and was asking himself good questions, but Joe kept telling him to look for "clues" in the previous few lines, to suggest that there was a message there for Cal, to explore why he says this - ah-hah! a glimmer of hope! why do you say this?! - I think why he says it is pretty freakin' obvious, but I kept my mouth shut. For the time being.

And then Joe let us go.

Hrm.

The three of us (JR had left earlier with Karla, who btw sent me a lovely text I need to thank her for) walked out together discussing when we might meet this weekend. Running lines + clam sauce lessons. I'd hoped to have a sec alone w/Derek to try to help. Joe came out and dammit he and D and I were all getting into our cars at the same time. I wished Joe safe travels, which led to a few minutes of chatter about getting pulled over for driving way too fast. Told my Taos story. Joe had said, finally, just as he stepped into the truck, that I was doing [something not quite intelligible but obviously very, very complimentary] work.

Was grateful to have the chance to blurt out a few things to Derek. Why I think Will went to Italy (but with the caveat that he has to decide, just make it specific). Promise to e-mail IDEA link. Where I think the "gorgon" speech comes from - comes from my many "rehearsals" of my last speech to K. (Boy, did his eyes light up on that one. He seems so smart, but he doesn't quite make connections. There are no leaps that help him think about or figure out one question based on successful addressing of a previous one.) Best of all I pointed out that Joe had praised the spaghetti al vongole speech as really effective now and that this proved my point about the like-something-out-of-Puccini story. (Boy, did his eyes light up THEN!)

I went home Something Like Happy. Should have given more conscious thought to Not Letting Him Get To Me, but even unconsciously I managed it pretty well.

Ugh, almost out of time, so much more to cover. Maybe this afternoon.

Barb's text suggested in her inimitably Barb way - gentle, subtle, wise, strong all at the same time - that maybe Joe rambles on because he's intimidated. How might I have rambled in the presence of someone like me if I were directing years ago? Gotta think on that one, to use Tony Hopkins' long-ago phrase.

Went to rehearsal doing my damndest to shake of a shitstorm of a day. Work sucked. Truly truly truly sucked. "Second reg" was a floating Chester, who was away more often than present, and every time he left we were immediately hammered again. There were times I couldn't even step away for 4 seconds to ask for help. It was just scraping me raw yet again, and exhausting me, and I'm really grateful that I wasn't again feeling such dread about rehearsal, I was also wishing I could just go home and stay there.

Any time I might have had to study lines between shower and rehearsal was spent on the phone trying to get CVS to help me understand why the text telling me my primidone scrip was ready also said it would cost $252.86. What. The. Fuck. The first woman was cool and unhelpful and dismissive, and she pissed me off royally early on. I really wanted to scream when I asked her if she could look at previous transactions for a solution and then call me back but she said, "well, I leave in 20 minutes." At some point I finally asked if I could talk to anyone at least willing to pretend she wanted to actually help me. Five minutes later someone else called me back.

She had the answer in 45 seconds: my health insurance was canceled on 4/18.

Jesus Fucking God.

More time online and then on hold trying to get someone at Manna, someone at "CoreSource" which may have replaced whatever insurance I had. Don't insurance companies have to tell you if they're dropping you? I'd bet not, since lobbyists write the fucking laws.

Proud of myself for how I handled it: Went early to rehearsal, took Matt's half-joking suggestion to curl up in a fetal position, then gradually opened up to starfish (a few tears for Karen and that summer 19 years ago), then child's pose, focusing on allowing breath, coming into the space mentally (my own advice always!), and so on.

So much more, always more. This is important:

From yesterday's DRs:

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HEALING HEART AND MIND

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 55

Since it is true that God comes to me through people, I can see that by keeping people at a distance I also keep God at a distance. God is nearer to me than I think and I can experience Him by loving people and allowing people to love me. But I can neither love nor be loved if I allow my secrets to get in the way.
It's the side of myself that I refuse to look at that rules me. I must be willing to look at the dark side in order to heal my mind and heart because that is the road to freedom. I must walk into darkness to find the light and walk into fear and to find peace.

By revealing my secrets---and thereby ridding myself of guilt---I can actually change my thinking; by altering my thinking, I can change myself. My thoughts create my future. What I will be tomorrow is determined by what I think today.

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Barb is coming in June. I'll ask her again to be my Fifth-Step confessor. Need to find a way to give daily time to sobriety WORK, even if it's only a few minutes. Need to work harder, focus, do more. Last night I almost blew it again.

Oh: on the way home I stopped at John's store and dropped off Matt's check. Absolutely lovely 45-minute talk. Such a good man.

Now I have to get to Panera in time to meet Chester and help Adam.

Not even a word about that slimy eel Barr and the shitstorm on Capitol Hill yesterday.

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ebb - flow

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