2012-09-05 - 6:11 a.m.

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Groggy. Groggy as hell, actually. Groggy from (unaccustomed) unisom. Took the thing along with two melatonin at 8:45 or so, was nevertheless so restless I could barely read my book. Was still awake at 10. Took a second Xanax and had a second drink before I was out.

But then slept hard for a few hours, was up for only about 15 minutes. Had a shot for insurance and then slept the sleep of the dreaming dead until the alarm went off at 5:30. Re-set the thing for six and slept until 5:50.

I was even having long, involved, memorable dreams.

Which I remembered when I woke up but don't remember now.

When I woke in the middle of the night there was a text from Riley saying Tootsie had given him 800 dollars for is car. I'm thrilled for him, and grateful for her, but it made my paltry 170 - paid over time - feel suddenly very, very paltry indeed. I know he appreciates it no less, but still.

It kind of killed my buzz. I had been so thrilled that Judy talked to Korin Drilling, and Korin called me and said no problem, we'll work it out, pay as you can. So Riley is registered for his first ballet class.

He has something creative to do. A reason to get out of the house that isn't work, and from which he can learn, in which he can regain (I hope) a sense of growing again creatively.

6"15 now and Matt is gone. He wanted a couple of uninterrupted hours to finish taping the "Intimate Apparel" floord.

I have Acting IV at 9 and then office hours and then my first meeting with Dr. Stice, my second-ever meeting with a psychiatrist.

My first-ever meeting with a psychiatrist was such a bust. 1992? 1993? That guy was a total asshole.

Hard morning yesterday. Woke with the first hormone surges I'd experienced in a week or so, not major but definitely unpleasant, and the morning started shaky and jittery. I took a Xanax. Ended up okay. Contentless scenes in Acting I: some intelligent and specific choices (insightful observations from, of all people, Akeem) but I sat there thinking "I can teach you about acting, teach you some of the craft actors use, but I can't teach you how to be an actor. You are one or you aren't." Then I reminded myself these are freshmen, with little or no experience, and they're scared.

So much less gung-ho/summer-camp than last year, and I find I miss that, however much I hated it at the time. (Robin has a summer-camp group this semester.)

Saw Monica in the hall after class. Hugged and kissed and felt genuinely glad to see her. She has - incredibly - lost weight (she blamed the corsets) and looks amazing. Happy. I'm happy for her, even as I envy the summer in Utah, the success (the constant success).

More on that in a minute.

Hannah showed up nervous as hell for her coaching appointment, said she'd heard they weren't supposed to ask for help with their audition monologues, so I went to the source (unlike the kids) after saying "don't go on rumors, let's ask the Head of Acting." Talked to Monica who said, yes, she prefer we not coach any auditioning they're doing for us. Our chance to see how much they can do on their own. Etc. Said I understood that.

I disagree with it. For several reasons, including the fact that it says a lot to me that some of them have the brains to ask for help, and that says a lot to me about who I might want to work with. And since only the seniors will have had only two weeks' exposure to Shakespeare, why not help with that?

But I understand her reasoning and respect it, and cancelled all my appointments for the rest of the week, and now have much more time.

3:30: my first Merit Committee meeting. Fascinating, intense, and a damned fine education. The whole merit thing sucks, and Ken, an older man I'd not met who used to Chair (I think) English, said maybe we should just recommend that the whole "merit" idea be chucked in favor of a more equitable and transparent and non-competitive rating scale, one that is not tied to promotion and tenure.

As I said to Simon: a committee with balls. (Our charge is to determine a format for assigning merit pay if and when there is some. Ken seemed to think we should take the 250,000 offered - but not disbursed - this year and tell them to take it back; we're not interested. Ren�e was very supportive of my idea that it forces us to compete with each other instead of trying to meet or exceed expectations and standards.)

(Interestingly, Simon said one-third - the same proportion as at CCU - of Belmont Abbey's faculty is about to receive merit bonuses of one to five [!!] thousand dollars. These are being distributed far more arbitrarily than the bonuses here, and the woman in charge seems to think there will be no ill will because no one will mention anything; it'll all be a secret. What an idiot.)

Simon was the fourth person in 24 hours to say I sound different - better - even on the phone, that I sound like me.

The nicest thing all day - well the second-nicest, after being able to pay for Riley's ballet class - was that John Woodson said he'd been asked to come down to Hilton Head and play Rothko in October. He can't do it but gave the guy my name, which was incredibly nice and respectful and generous of him, and I felt flattered and affirmed. The guy never called me, but I decided to be proactive and I dashed back to the office and it took about an hour to compose an e-mail of only a few lines. The hard part: to send the videos or not to send? How to say they'd been put together in only 24 hours without apologizing for myself? Finally decided to send them but with the caveat that they shouldn't judge me only on these; could I please read for the role if it hasn't been cast?

I also sent the videos in hope that they'd cast both of us, dammit.

Artistic Director wrote back shortly afterward to say they'd contact me soon to set something up via Skype. I said thank you for your kind consideration; I'll drive down if necessary. I want them to see my size, my commitment in person.

I can't help hoping, though I'm trying to tell myself it's just an audition.

But oh, oh, oh.

What matters: I am better. So much better. Not great. But I'm me, which is maybe better than being better. Or than "feeling" better or even feeling great. I can handle what's coming.

Oh, I was right about Monica having the whole season cast, including my show. When I mentioned Dan as right for Paul but that I knew he might have a significant role in "Midsummer" and "I might need to look at -" she finished my sentence for me " - Charlie Tingen." When I said I saw Charlie as more of a Jamie, she said "Tyler Keller could play Jamie."

Thanks, Monica. In this case, actually, I'm perfectly happy to have you help make these decisions, because I need help.

That meeting: it exhausted me. It also taught me how much I don't know about how anything regarding evaluation or promition and tenure really happen at CCU.

I better get myself educated quick.

And last night I prayed. Actually prayed. When I pray these days I find myself quoting the fictional Lady Mary Crawley: "God, I know I don't have much credit with you. I don't even know if you're there...." And yet: if you are there, this isn't too much to ask, is it? That I could play Rothko in Hilton Head in October? Or even that we do it together. Simon told me to let myself climb the walls a little, but I'm looking at it as "just" an audition.

At the same time, I couldn't help it: I allowed myself, over and over, to imagine meeting David onstage to bow together after our first performance.

I imagined it a lot.

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ebb - flow

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