2019-04-29 - 8:27 a.m.

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Last night was a small but significant victory. Had to stay up past when I wanted to waiting for the Bells. It was either that or have Winston all day today. Urge to drink was strong. Very strong. But I didn't. Margaret texted to say GPS predicted arrival at 8:10. She actually knocked a couple minutes before then. I told her how horribly I'd played at church, that I'd told Daniel it was about my tremor when in fact it was about my antibiotics and the havoc they're wreaking. My hands are shaky now. And I have wondered more than once if the very brief bender I went on Fri-Sat could have been enough for me to experience withdrawal systems again.

But I didn't drink yesterday. One day. To be grateful for.

Especially hard not to want to drink when I finally took melatonin and unisom, then read for a few minutes on the sofa, then lay down in bed and was wide awake for a long-ass timne. 20, 30 minutes, maybe longer. Woke around 2:45 and saw that at some point earlier in the night Matt had been awake; he'd made Sleepytime tea. I made a cup for myself and wound up reading on the sofa for more than an hour and a half. Ugh. Turned my alarm off and slept until about 6:50. Much I should do to, zero motivation. Or nearly zero.

Got to do some recording, and really need to learn lines. I spent an hour or more with the script yesterday and barely got two pages down. It is so hard to learn lines when we're not USING them in rehearsals. Got a message five minutes ago from Michelle saying how much she's enjoying watching me work, how much I'm giving Derek.

Aunt Penny wrote that she assumed I was "thriving" through work on the play. No, it's making me crazy.

Rehearsal with Diana tonight. He said we'd be doing scenes. Oh, please please please, let it be so.

If he spends the evening just talking, or asking us to improv, I'm going to scream.

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ebb - flow

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